Before there was you

Why I am as I am

I am Skyler.  Up until now, I have based all of my life’s major decisions on LOVE for or from someone else.  I have never considered loving my self.  Maybe that was my biggest downfall and the answer to many whys.  I wanted to be that “one and only” for that special someone.

Being wanted, understood, and accepted as I am, took priority of its effect on me, how it will influence my future, or if it is good for me.  Me, me, me… sounded selfish.  I had the first-hand experience of what it felt like when others put themselves first without regard of how somebody else feels and I didn’t want anyone to feel what I had felt throughout all of my life because of me.  I didn’t know anything about loving my self and still don’t but learning to love my self will be part of my new path.  I realize now that these needs of mine developed way before I was ready for partnership relationships.

It began with my immediate family.  Growing up as an only child, with a single parent who did the best that she could to take care of the two of us came at the price of no family model to follow.  Sure there were rules to be followed and expectations to live up to.  I was to respect my elders, don’t talk back, listen politely, and other common child teachings.  However, I was missing out on feeling important and loved.  I’m not blaming my mom for lack of motherhood attention and guidance, she did the best she could with what she had and the example she had to follow.  It would be good if growing up would leave all of that behind and would have no influence on who I am now or my life.

How and where we grow up has a major factor in “shaping us into who we are” and the lives we live.  That is why it’s so hard for me now.  I don’t know the right way to be a good mom or wife because I don’t have an example to follow.  I know what I don’t want in my life or relationships but I am still working on creating the family and life that I want.  The life I choose to live and the example I set for my kids will shape the all of our futures.  To start with, it’s important that they have a happy childhood.  Their memories will be the starting point of what to base their parenting abilities when they themselves become parents.  No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, so it’s important to acknowledge the mistakes and learn from them, regardless if they were made by a child or a grown up.  So far I’ve tried to bring into our family what I feel is important but it’s being resisted by Ryan.  If it’s not resisted, then the event was usually ruined because their dad doesn’t believe in holidays or celebration and we end up fighting.  Now what kind of childhood is without celebrations?  A sad one.  This one area I’m not giving up and will keep trying to be the parent my children deserve.

When choosing a partner, I wanted the one I gave my love to – to stand up for me when a situation arose. Everone I ever knew always had someone like that, be it a parent, sibling or friend.  I never did.  In fact, if I came to my mom with a situation of sorts I was either told that it was my fault or had to stay in, kind of like being punished.  So I learned to accept it and not to bring it up to avoid double punishment.  All through life, I was always dismissed, criticized, or felt that what I did was wrong or I shouldn’t do it because it won’t be liked or approved by others.  Not only that, I often heard that one thing or another that I wanted to do or try wasn’t for me.  I wasn’t good enough.  That’s where my self-confidence got wiped out.  Not a good foundation to grow upon.  And confidence is another big issue.

So when it came to a relationship, I wanted someone to comfort me, hear me out, be my support to lean on.  That someone I could go to and he would be there for me no matter what.  He would choose me.  I wanted that someone who didn’t put me down because of how I look, how I think, or the choices I made.  I wanted to hear him say “You’re my everything”.

When getting into a relationship my decisions were based on those needs of support and love, and I did pretty well at making sure that those around me knew these needs.  If at any time I felt that I was not important enough to a particular person – I would say goodbye and bring the book I was in to conclusion.   It was easier for me to be alone, something I was used to, than being with someone that I wasn’t important enough to be respected, accepted, and a top priority.  Some called it”high maintenance” but that said it was worth it.  It was usually me who ended things.  The end and that was that. 

That worked very well before Ryan came into my life and turned it upside down.


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