I’m cold, my soul is numb, my heart is broken. I’m at a loss for words. Not only that, my thoughts don’t seem to be my own. What happened to me? I feel empty, like there was something deep within me and now it’s gone. I can’t wrap my mind around what has happened. None of my senses seem to work right now, I can’t feel anything. Did I….die?
It’s dark. Maybe I just need to let my eyes get used to the darkness around me and go from there. I’m sitting on the ground and close my eyes. As I take in a slow, deep breath I start to remember! It’s like the memories are all around, surrounding me in this darkness, and I just have to take them in and process them before I can take the next step.
All that has happened has led me to this point, so knowing and accepting where I have been, will guide me to where I want to be. As I slowly gather my thoughts, and skim through the memories like the pages in the book, the last occurrence flashes right in front of me. … I remember your words. You said: “There is no love, no hope, no guarantees, no future for us”.
Hm. As it turns out, all the things that I held on to, for all those years – do not exist. Not for us. From the day I said “I Do” I was holding on to the thin air. And that’s when it hit me, metaphorically speaking, this was no afterlife, I didn’t die. I was born again . . . like a phoenix, rising from the ashes and coming up as a new me. I’ve finally found the page I need to be on, but first I need to say goodbye to all I’m leaving behind and put the period at the end of that chapter.
My Dearest Ryan, My Love!
“As days turn into weeks and weeks into months, chances are you will forget this talk and won’t recall the things you said. Intentional or not, you won’t remember the reasons you had for saying those things. Or maybe you will be fully aware of what you said but will think that I have forgotten or let go of all of it, like I have in the past because you covered it up with a nice word there or there. Or by doing something nice that makes me feel good or makes me smile.
You will look at me and you won’t see the changes that took place within me…because you won’t look deep enough. I’m sorry I failed to find a way to show you how big, strong, and pure my love was for you. You won’t find what you lost because you didn’t see what you had. You didn’t see because you never believed in my love, in its power, or its strength.
This time the consequences of your full expression go beyond anything the two of us faced or lived through. Before, no matter what, there was always that “thin air” I called hope and belief I hung onto. That is no longer there. So regardless of all the pain and loss that just took place, I’m relieved and at peace with what is. I’m no longer in a fog of delusion or a fantasy life. I’m reborn. This is the new me.
I’ve cried out all the tears, I should be crying but my eyes are dry. I’ve bled out all the pain. Where there should be pain, is emptiness. All the words you said to me – no longer stab me. Yet I’m fully aware of what was said. I just look at it as spoken words you felt a need to speak. What you say, means nothing to me now. When it comes to doing something, now, I come first. Will I be okay with it? Not will you be okay with it. Your words have meaning but they don’t have the same meaning for me.
Your anger no longer scares me. I know the things I do, think, say are not approved by you. But it doesn’t matter, this is who I am. Your meanness no longer shatters me to pieces. Your brutal tongue no longer hurts me, and your promise to leave – no longer makes me submit to all your demands, or to absorb all your moods. I mean how much worse can it be than to know that you are just a passenger who will get off at any stop you like without turning back because we have no future, no love, and no hope. Since there is no guarantees, future, or hope for us, there is no longer any point or need for me to find ways and reasons to make, ask, beg, or plead for you to stay.
Where does all of us leaves us? What meaning does it hold? The only thing this can mean, is that I’m free. You took off the chains that held us together through “thick and thin” that was bonding us from the moment we said “I Do”. Those chains always put “us” before “me”, yet you saw me as selfish. But now I come before “us” or “we”. I’m free to choose what makes me happy first. I’m free to live the life I desire without feeling guilty. I’m free to be me in all that I think or desire within and with all that surrounds me… and free to enjoy … I no longer need your approval. I no longer need to worry if my thoughts or words or opinion will make you mad. This is who I am. You already dismissed me as I am, and don’t approve of the way I am. So you are free too. You are free from my efforts to save our future or our marriage.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what happens next, or where we go from here. But we can’t go back or stay where we are … we can only go forward.”
I came upon a new beginning, a brand new page in a new chapter. My past makes me stronger and wiser, and I know that the doors to the past are closed.