Going Backwards

Here We Are

When I said “I Do” I gave myself to you completely and unconditionally, because that’s what I believed people did when they got married.  I married you for three reasons.  The number one, my main reason to get married, instead of just living together – was our love.  Years ago, I read a quote that I really liked.  It said “To love is nothing, to be loved is something, to love and to be loved is – Everything.  I married you because I thought we were soulmates.  I believed in our future together. I saw no reason to pretend to be someone I wasn’t.  I didn’t play hard to get that people sometimes do, when they first meet someone, because they’re scared to show how they truly feel out of fear to be hurt; or are simply not ready to be in a committed relationship.  When the time comes and you decide that you’re ready to share your life with  another person, you must give all of you completely and unconditionally.
I married you because I believed we could have a big family and raise our kids together.  It’s something neither one of us had because we are both from a single parent household with no siblings.  So having a two parent household, with lots of kids, raising a big family – was something that meant a lot to both of us.  It did to me.

When I said “I Do”, I gave all of my heart and soul to you.  I was always there as I am: my true, honest, see-through self.  No one ever said relationships were easy, unless you’re five and are convinced you’re the princes waiting for that prince charming to come and sweep you off of your feet.  I was never the princess and the prince on a white horse was not something I dreamed off.  For me it was about being accepted, understood, and loved – just the way I am.  I wanted to be good enough the way I was, and in return was giving my heart and soul completely and unconditionally.

Over the years, faced with disagreements, disappointment, and false hope – I held on to belief that we can get through anything and that everything will be okay in the end.  I naively repeated to myself that as long as there was love – it will conquer all.  I forgave you for the tears I cried, for the pain I have felt deep down as my heart tore into a thousand pieces, and all the ways that you found to downgrade me.  I lost my self respect, confidence, and belief in myself.  I thought that this way you will see me the way you once did, that if I mold myself into what you want me to be, you will love me and finally be happy with what we have.  When all of this first started, I tried to defend myself to you, which led to more fury and argument from you – so I stopped standing up for myself.  I allowed you to disrespect me, wipe your feet on me, and in general see me as a nothing and a nobody.  I stopped being me. I didn’t know that this was not a solution.  I didn’t know that this will make me uninteresting to you.  My only focus was on making sure we stayed together and being happy together.   What’s worse, I knew it was dumb to allow such and to even want to stay.  If a friend was going through this, I would do anything I could to show her that she should not live in a relationship as such, but I did anyways.  And another spin to this, as it turns out you wanted me to remain mysterious. 

Now that you said there is no guarantees or hope for our future, you have released my chains and gave me back my strength and I can finally walk with my head held up high.  Thinking logically makes no sense whatsoever.  

It’s funny too … normally when we first meet someone new, we are reserved and only over time expose more and more of ourselves to the other person involved if we feel safe enough to do so.  For us it was reverse.  I gave all of me to you fully and completely, and now am withdrawing myself away from you one step at the time.  I’m claiming my heart and my soul back.  You weren’t worthy of them.  It was too much for you, I was too much for you.  But when I love, I love deep and you couldn’t handle it.

This is the beginning of a new chapter for me, for us, and for our family.  Will what we have built over the past several years be enough to get us through this chapter and get us all onto the next still as a family and stronger than ever?  I’m ready to take the first steps to start standing and living as I am – not what you expect me to be, which is what I have become when I married you, because you wouldn’t have it any other way.  What lies ahead, the unknown, the uncertainty, and all the changes that are taking place is so terrifying.  I keep having the same thoughts that have kept me back all those years from taking this step, rush through me – screaming at me to “just settle and submit to his ways!”.. but I know that this time I can’t.

I must stay strong and not give in to the fear, the unknown and and uncertainty.  All I know that while I was focused on the brighter tomorrow and happiness, out of nowhere I felt the heat, I felt the pain rip through me, like it was trying to escape, to be set free from within me … it seemed like there were flames around me but I can’t be sure.  You burned me so many times before that I’m numb to it, but this time it was different.  Maybe it was shock, maybe I was knocked unconscious, I do not know.  I just know that at one point everything went dark and then it stopped.

Was this the end of me?  …




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